I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
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