Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
