Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
