Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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