If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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