2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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