you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
