She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize