This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
