I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
