i think my tv is drunk
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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