I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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