Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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