Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
