I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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