I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
