Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
