i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize