I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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