where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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