They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
