That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
