I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
