Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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