I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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