Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
