OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
