I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
