cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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