Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
