im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
