Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
