Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
