If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
