I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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