Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
