Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
