Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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