We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
