My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
