One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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