I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Quick, to the slutcave!
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
