Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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