I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Text me some of your sweat
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
