well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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