Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize