i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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