So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
