Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
