I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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