Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
