Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
