3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
