Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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