Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
