Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
