We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
