Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize