the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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