Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
