Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
