I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
