I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
