I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
