I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
