My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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