apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
