I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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