just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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