Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
