Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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