so that wasnt chicken after all
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
